Why Does Anxiety Keep Coming Back Even When Everything Seems Fine?

Sometimes anxiety makes sense.

You're facing an important meeting, waiting for medical results or dealing with difficulties in a relationship, and you can understand why you feel anxious.

But what about when you can't?

You might wake with a feeling of dread before the day has even started. Your mind may search for something to worry about, even when life seems relatively settled. Or perhaps you've worked hard to manage your anxiety, felt better for a while, and then found that familiar feeling creeping back.

It can be particularly frustrating when part of you is saying:

“There's nothing wrong. Why am I feeling like this?”

If this sounds familiar, it doesn't necessarily mean you're missing an obvious problem. Sometimes anxiety isn't only about what is happening around us now. It can also be connected to feelings, experiences and ways of coping that have developed over a much longer period.

Anxiety doesn't always arrive as a thought

We often imagine anxiety beginning with worrying thoughts.

Sometimes it does.

But you may notice the physical feeling first.

A tight chest. A churning stomach. A racing heart. Restlessness. Difficulty sleeping. A sense that something bad is about to happen, even though you couldn't say what.

Then the mind tries to make sense of the feeling.

What have I forgotten?

Is something wrong at work?

Did that person seem annoyed with me?

What if something happens to someone I love?

Before long, you're caught in a cycle where the anxious feeling produces worrying thoughts and those thoughts create even more anxiety.

Understanding the immediate cycle can be helpful. But sometimes there is another useful question:

Why might my mind and body be so ready to expect danger in the first place?

When being anxious once helped you cope

One way of thinking about anxiety is that it isn't simply an enemy we need to get rid of.

It may also be trying to do something for us.

If you grew up in an environment where moods could change quickly, for example, becoming very good at noticing subtle changes in other people may have helped you feel safer.

You might have learnt to watch faces, anticipate problems or think several steps ahead.

Perhaps being well behaved, successful or helpful reduced the possibility of criticism.

Or maybe worrying about every possible outcome gave you a feeling of being prepared for whatever happened next.

Those responses can make a great deal of sense.

The difficulty is that we don't necessarily stop using them when circumstances change.

Years later, you may find yourself constantly checking whether other people are okay, preparing for things to go wrong or feeling responsible for keeping everybody happy.

What once helped you cope can gradually become exhausting.

“But I had a perfectly normal childhood”

Psychodynamic counselling doesn't start with the assumption that anxiety must mean something terrible happened in childhood.

Nor is counselling about searching for somebody to blame.

Our emotional lives are shaped by countless experiences and relationships, many of which may have appeared completely ordinary.

Perhaps you learnt that being strong was valued in your family, while being frightened or upset was harder to express.

Maybe achievement received attention, so getting things right became particularly important.

Perhaps conflict made you uncomfortable, so you became skilled at avoiding disagreement.

None of these automatically causes anxiety.

But becoming curious about the rules we have unconsciously learnt can sometimes help us understand why particular situations feel so threatening today.

The pressure to be okay

There's another form of anxiety I often think deserves more attention: the anxiety involved in appearing not to be anxious.

You might be somebody other people regard as capable.

You go to work. You look after your family. You get things done. When somebody asks how you are, you automatically say, “Fine.”

From the outside, there may be very little indication of how much effort that takes.

Inside, however, your mind rarely switches off.

You replay conversations. You worry about making mistakes. You prepare for situations that may never happen. You perhaps feel guilty for struggling because other people seem to have much bigger problems.

Trying to hide anxiety can become another source of pressure.

Counselling offers somewhere you don't have to convince anybody that you're coping.

Why reassurance often doesn't last

When we're anxious, reassurance can feel irresistible.

We ask somebody whether everything is okay. We check the message again. We search online. We mentally run through the situation one more time.

For a few minutes, we feel better.

Then another doubt appears.

The problem isn't that reassurance never feels reassuring. It's that the relief can be temporary when the deeper anxiety hasn't been understood.

This is one reason somebody can logically know that something is unlikely to happen while still feeling frightened that it will.

Feelings don't always respond to evidence in quite the way we'd like them to.

Instead of repeatedly trying to prove that there's nothing to worry about, counselling can create space to wonder what the worry itself might be telling us.

What if I've already tried coping techniques?

Breathing exercises, grounding, exercise, mindfulness and other ways of managing anxiety can all be useful.

This isn't an argument against them.

Sometimes, however, people arrive in counselling knowing a remarkable number of techniques but still wondering why they keep needing them.

That's where a psychodynamic approach can offer something slightly different.

Alongside thinking about how you can manage anxiety when it appears, we can become curious about why this particular anxiety might be appearing for you.

Are there patterns?

Does anxiety become stronger around relationships, criticism, uncertainty or separation?

Do you find yourself worrying more when things are actually going well?

Are there feelings—perhaps anger, sadness or disappointment—that are harder for you to experience than anxiety?

We don't need to force an explanation.

Instead, over time, we notice what emerges.

How can counselling for anxiety help?

Counselling isn't about promising that you'll never feel anxious again.

Anxiety is part of being human, and sometimes it has an important job to do.

The aim can instead be to understand your anxiety well enough that it doesn't have to dominate your life.

As we begin to recognise patterns and understand where some of your responses may have come from, something can gradually change.

The anxious feeling may become less mysterious.

You may notice it earlier.

You might become more able to distinguish between something that genuinely needs your attention and an old alarm that has been triggered again.

Most importantly, you can begin to respond to yourself with curiosity rather than criticism.

Instead of:

“Why am I like this?”

the question can gradually become:

“I wonder what's happening for me here?”

That may sound like a small difference.

It can be a significant one.

Anxiety counselling in Essex

If anxiety is taking up more of your life than you'd like, you don't need to wait until you can explain exactly where it comes from before seeking counselling.

Sometimes understanding that is part of the work.

At Mid Essex Counselling, I offer counselling for adults experiencing anxiety and related difficulties, with face-to-face sessions available in Witham and Chelmsford, as well as online counselling.

Our first conversation is simply an opportunity to talk about what's been happening and consider whether counselling might be helpful for you.